Sadness

The Title Of This Blog Is Sadness...

I am Sudanese, sad and at my knees in my own mind praying to God that I am able do something, something that a few have tried before, many have thought about (like me) and none have done. It's too late, that's why I'm sad because I know it, I see it, I feel it and I know that if people stop ignoring, hiding and dreaming they'll know it, see it and feel it.

Why are we so weak, as Sudanese people, holding on to values we no longer uphold and upholding values we deny are in our nature? We allow ourselves to believe what we're told, and spread it till it infects the whole nation (well, not the whole nation... or maybe the whole nation, but definitely not the whole nation since the nation is not whole)? Why are we enraged by acts of oppression but we accept them? Why do we not try? Why do we accept the facts at hand, instead of changing them? Why do we accept the facts at and and not resist them? Why do we not think? Why do we think but not do? Why do we not try to do? Why do we do but not try? Why don't we plan? "When the people have had enough, they will lie down and take some more." (not to be taken out of context) I don't remember who said that, and google didn't help but why are we lying down?

I would love to believe we're not weak as a people, but we are, most northerners crave to be Arabs, because of the prestige that is linked to it in their mind because the prophet Muhhamed (SAWS) was an Arab. Arabs despicable... As governments and as societies (from my personal experience and observations, otherwise it still to be proven correct). I just came back from Juba yesterday, my first time in the south and my second time in Sudan out of Khartoum state. I felt at home I saw people, and I knew who was visiting and who was Sudanese. Anyway, just as most northern Sudanese crave the Arab identity, the attitude in Juba hosted dense and very elaborate propaganda promotion for the African identity. Personally I'm pro African identity for almost entirely geographic reasons. Africa, i read somewhere that in an ancient report on Africa that it was said to be the safest land to travel in regards to being robbed or attacked. Times change. Africans are no longer peaceful as they used to be, starved by greedy governments. At any rate, this debate has been closed for years, decades actually. The Sudanese person is Sudanese, this doesn't satisfy anyone. Why isn't anyone satisfied? Two reasons come to my mind, the Sudanese haven't done anything for Sudan, so being Sudan-ese leaves you uneasy because Sudan is not such an amazing place (though it is an amazing place without anyone doing anything to it, most people don't appreciate it, they talk about how amazing it is, but they don't appreciate it). The second reason, there is nothing to define the criteria of what a Sudanese person is, other than being Sudanese, which doesn't solve an identity crisis that has been a monkey on the Sudanese back for years, extremists wouldn't want to be classified in the same group as what they feel they don't represent or more likely resent.

Greed... :)

Sudanese people are "generous and very welcoming". Billai? Beljad? Inta Jaddi? Maybe I'm just living in Khartoum because I've been told "La la, khleek min nas Al Khartoum, fil aqaleem lissa 3indoam al roo7 di" apparently "al roo7 di" ra7at fee al siteen in Khartoum, where people are greedy as can be and will hide their Pepsi and give you water (you know it's true). I'm not saying that there aren't people who are generous and welcoming, but it can no longer be used to describe Sudanese people because it's no longer what most Sudanese people are. Sudanese people, are party animals, all of them, not a single one doesn't enjoy music and dancing, even Sudanese religious leaders who are supposed to believe music is '7aram' have done their best to abide by the loop hole of madee7. Why do we deny that, why are we not allowed to embrace our nature? Fear... to fear you must be given a reason to fear. Fear, someone who does not over come his fear is a coward. I think that's what Sudanese people might be labelled as in times to come, other than that cliché of "Lazy".

"Our brothers in the South will not separate!" Bullshit, I call your bluff!

"Even if the result of the referendum is not unity, it's unity" Ohhh, now i get you.

"We're 100% for separation, not one southerner will vote for unity" Really? that's not what they told me up north! they said you guys were 80% for unity

"There are already military units placed at the border in case of any skirmishes" You said that at the same time wow!

"We won't start any trouble, but if someone tries to take what's ours, trouble is inevitable, and our homes wont be the ones to house the war that would happen" Hey! You said that at the same time again, did you plan this?

Did you plan this?

"Israel! Israel Dayra Tasrug Moyatna!" Egypt my friends, Egypt has stolen your water many a year ago, stolen your heritage, and stolen your integrity. I don't like Egyptians.Want to know why? I'll tell you why, and if you don't want to know, skip this paragraph, since you might be offended. Egyptians, own Sudanese people. They have owned the governments that came after independence, and owned the country in every way it could before that through the English and the Turks before that, back to when Islam first came to Sudan. Egyptians are not your friends, they never have been. If you're trying to become close to becoming an Arab by seeking acceptance from Egypt then you lose your right to be Sudanese and do not gain the right to be Arab, you gain the right to be ridiculed. Even the Nile that binds us, dies in Egypt. The mother of the Nile kills it's child and seeks to see it is never born. Sudanese people forget their history and never teach it to their children.

What will become of Sudan, when we leave it to fate alone to decide it's future? Fate decides the direction the wind blows. If you do not position your sails correctly, you will most probably stray from the path you should be following. But it seems that's not a problem, we haven't even let our sails down the wind does not matter to us, we're letting the currents carry us, right into the rocks, but it's also alright , this ship wont hit the rocks. This ship has a hole in it, it'll sink far sooner than it reaches the rocks. There's a hole in this ship you see and everyone on it, is too scared to plug the hole with their finger, because they're afraid the sharks will bite them. But you know what? It's okay! Because the sharks aren't hurting anyone! and they're even keeping the ship up! Look how great the sharks are! The ship it okay! What nobody knows, is that the sharks are carrying the ship, to the rocks. The rocks again, the rocks, the rocks that will have the ship split, first into two, then into fractions. You know what happens, when a ship falls apart? The people inside it will try to swim, they wont get far, the sharks wont let them, unless they manage to hold on to one of the sharks back side very tightly. Before I end this paragraph, you know what put the hole in the ship? The rocks. You know why? Greed...

"Lazy"

I am Lazy! I'm Lazy because I got tired of trying, because trying makes me tired, but i'd rather be tired than dead, and I'd rather be dead that incomplete. Why are you Lazy? Why are we Lazy? Are we scared? What so scary? Are we cowards? Yes. Try, not to be Lazy. Try to be honest, with yourself, and me. Try, anything. Just get moving, and don't move next time the rocks come, just plug the hole. I'm willing to lose my finger, I'm willing to drink enough poison before I do so I know the shark that bites me, regrets it. One shark... I'll leave the second to someone else. Sharks multiply faster than you think, but sharks eat each other, so be careful and plan how you plan to close the hole well, without growing too much of a forked tail.

I'm not tired anymore. I don't think I'll be lying down until I rest.

For those of you whom I love, I Love You.

For those of you whom I don't know, I love You.

For those of you whom I hate. I love you.

For Those Of You Who Do Not Deserve. I would love to love you, but you ask for hate that I would love not to give you.

PS: I do not have a death wish. I do have a wish though, I hope it comes true. I don't have a dream, I rarely dream and my dreams are weird. I don't want a weird future.